in the last couple of years. i’ve stretched into a very different person. well. at least it sometimes feels like that.
i hope to be a little less self-absorbed than i was then. i hope to be wiser. i hope that everything i learned found a distinct place to exist. so that i won’t forget it.
as i was reading my old posts. i came across one that surprised me a bit.
even if i know more now. the sentiment that i expressed in these words rings a forever kind of true.
they reminded me of who i was. who i’ve always been. and who i hopefully always will be.
at this moment, im looking for tattoo ideas. i know what-ish i want. where i want it..what it will look like. but i dont yet know the words that are going to fill it. (of course there will be words).
i know i want something out of the history of love. because this book is my soul. it took my heart prisoner as soon as i opened its cover and only when i read it do i truly feel whole.
as i was looking through lines from the book, i came across one that made my stomach and heart lurch together while my eyes simultaneously ached to drip:
“When you are young, you think it’s going to be solved by love. But it never is. Being close — as close as you can get — to another person only makes clear that impassable distance between you.
‘If being in love only made people more lonely, why would everyone want it so much?’
Because of the illusion. You fall in love, it’s intoxicating, and for a little while you feel like you’ve actually become one with the other person. Merged souls and so on. You think you’ll never be lonely again.”
i dont know exactly what grabs me. every word syllable and period? probably. its sad. its true. and its lovely.
and although i love love. i love everything about it. there will always be a tiny part of me that whispers “hold onto this moment. for everything ends.” is this pessimistic? hopeless? i dont know. maybe its perfect.
if i can memorize the curve of your face, that spark in your eye, the scent of your voice: then ill always have the moments of love that inevitably fall into the lonely distance of forever.
ill have them in my heart.
and maybe with these moments trapped in our minds, maybe then we’ll never be lonely.