forever kind of true.

in the last couple of years. i’ve stretched into a very different person. well. at least it sometimes feels like that.

i hope to be a little less self-absorbed than i was then. i hope to be wiser. i hope that everything i learned found a distinct place to exist. so that i won’t forget it.

but.

as i was reading my old posts. i came across one that surprised me a bit.

even if i know more now. the sentiment that i expressed in these words rings a forever kind of true.

they reminded me of who i was. who i’ve always been. and who i hopefully always will be.

______________________________________

October 23, 2011

at this moment, im looking for tattoo ideas. i know what-ish i want. where i want it..what it will look like. but i dont yet know the words that are going to fill it. (of course there will be words).

i know i want something out of the history of love. because this book is my soul. it took my heart prisoner as soon as i opened its cover and only when i read it do i truly feel whole.

as i was looking through lines from the book, i came across one that made my stomach and heart lurch together while my eyes simultaneously ached to drip:

“When you are young, you think it’s going to be solved by love. But it never is. Being close — as close as you can get — to another person only makes clear that impassable distance between you.
‘If being in love only made people more lonely, why would everyone want it so much?’ 
Because of the illusion. You fall in love, it’s intoxicating, and for a little while you feel like you’ve actually become one with the other person. Merged souls and so on. You think you’ll never be lonely again.”

i dont know exactly what grabs me. every word syllable and period? probably. its sad. its true. and its lovely.

and although i love love. i love everything about it. there will always be a tiny part of me that whispers “hold onto this moment. for everything ends.” is this pessimistic? hopeless? i dont know. maybe its perfect.

if i can memorize the curve of your face, that spark in your eye, the scent of your voice: then ill always have the moments of love that inevitably fall into the lonely distance of forever.

ill have them in my heart.

and maybe with these moments trapped in our minds, maybe then we’ll never be lonely.

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it was a saturday.

in a couple of days, the five year anniversary of the most monumental event in my life will be upon us.

the most monumental event in a lot of people’s lives. actually.

and when i realized this and all the time that’s passed.

i didn’t actually feel one certain adjective.

but a compilation of those created by all the people that have come. gone. grown.

the circumstances that have changed

and the things that aren’t really different at all.

in the last five years. i have become a completely different person. and then reversed back to who i was.

i’ve experienced the best. and worst. moments of my life.

i loved in an unbearable way. in an obsessive way. in a sad way. in a disappointed way.

in the best way.

i’ve seen history unfold. repeat and regress.

i found a best friend. in my dog.

i’ve failed.

i’ve regretted.

i’ve lost everything.

 and i’ve found a significant aspect of the world in that everything.

sometimes. it eliminates my compassion.

 other times. it reminds me of how much i believe in the world.

and occasionally. it blinds me completely.

nearly five years ago. i received a phone call that i took sitting in the snow.

it was a saturday.

it started and ended in disbelief.

in the middle. the world as it is was found.

but even now:

i still miss you.

i love a little sensitivity and logic in everyone

okay see…i say one day that my thoughts on a subject are expanding.

and then the next day.

shhwooop.

they shrink back to where they came from.

this is mostly just a stream of consciousness post. but in a time when words have a tough time finding letters with which to compose themselves.

babbling will have to suffice.

i’ve been mildy obsessed with feminism.

and i’m using that term lightly.

i’ve been thinking about how i see myself as a female entity. and how others see women in general.

how do we expect to be treated? how do people expect to treat us? men. women. both.

what is the line between chivalry and misogyny?

and how do we expect the people we’re romantically involved with to treat us?

does that question inherently relate to our gender roles?

in a woman-man relationship, does there need to be a feminine-masculine role respectively?

in such a situation, does the man need to feel undermined if the roles are reversed? if the woman is more inherently dominant than the man?

as a mildy aggressive female, this is something that i have faced a few times. and i never know if i should feel at fault for seemingly steamrolling my male counterparts.

but then again. is there fault in intimidation?

there isn’t room for intimidation relationships of course…it only creates resentment and contempt.

but. hmm.

i don’t know.

i don’t know where this brings us.

in a society that declares assertive women unnatural though, i don’t see where we can really go.

and that’s what our culture has done.

we force people to pick a gender. and with that choice, you are able to act in such a way.

dominance is associated with men. and care with females.

and in making this step, we strip away the ability for men to be sensitive and women to be logical.

and personally. i love a little sensitivity and logic in everyone i associate with.

but this hasn’t been ingrained in the culture of masculinity or that of femininity.

i don’t appreciate the binary aspect of this conundrum.

but.

this is where my thoughts have to end for the moment

i don’t know what to do with those who actively exist in the world through insensitivity

lately, i’ve been thinking about how the world regards women.

how does it teach women to interact with women. to think about women. and how does it prepare men to interact with women. and think about women.

i dated someone once that actually said that he wished he had lived during the era of mad men. so that he could treat women in a similar fashion. and not be thought of poorly because of it.

this person also regarded sensitivity as weakness. and while simultaneously hiding every emotion he ever felt, ridiculed the feelings within which i partook.

we didn’t date for long.

and today, i ran across two words that not only echoed a personal conundrum i’ve been facing in the last couple of weeks. but also took my thoughts regarding women and expanded it to a larger scope:

“emotionally restrained”.

 when i stumbled upon these two words

my thoughts began to focus not just on how we see women but how we regard each other.

how does the world prepare us to connect and interact with those around us.

how does it teach us to respect. to understand. and most of all: to love.

as it occasionally is, my attention in these last few hours, has been held by this topic.

how is it. that in a world sustained by passion. feelings. connection. we so often are intimidated by these very things?

how is it. that it is considered safer. and more correct. to be emotionally restrained.

how is it. that when we are in a position that requires our full emotional attention, we find it easier to pretend we have no feelings.

and how did we find ourselves in a world that encourages these reactions?

a few moments ago. i was stuck in this question.

i interacted with someone in a situation that necessitated genuine emotions. and when i realized that their need for composure overtook their ability to be real, i didn’t know what to do.

i don’t know what to do with those who actively exist in the world through insensitivity.

i will never work that way. and i don’t know if i can surround myself by people who do.

and while i can’t find the solution to this dilemma.

i can in some small way understand how its existence came to be.

 our world does not encourage emotion. and as long as vulnerability is equated to weakness. we will strive to separate ourselves from it.

while i will never believe that someone who shares themselves with the world is weak and will instead trust heavily in intensity. and the freedom of emotions.

i sadly understand that we’ve created a space that deems those declarations inappropriate.

emotionally restrained is normal. celebrated. comfortable.

it is where people find safety from rejection and embarrassment.

and although i hate this reality more than i can bear-

the only thing i can actually do. at least for today. is hope that in some small part of everyone, we understand how illogical. unreasonable. and incorrect. this belief is.