it was a saturday.

in a couple of days, the five year anniversary of the most monumental event in my life will be upon us.

the most monumental event in a lot of people’s lives. actually.

and when i realized this and all the time that’s passed.

i didn’t actually feel one certain adjective.

but a compilation of those created by all the people that have come. gone. grown.

the circumstances that have changed

and the things that aren’t really different at all.

in the last five years. i have become a completely different person. and then reversed back to who i was.

i’ve experienced the best. and worst. moments of my life.

i loved in an unbearable way. in an obsessive way. in a sad way. in a disappointed way.

in the best way.

i’ve seen history unfold. repeat and regress.

i found a best friend. in my dog.

i’ve failed.

i’ve regretted.

i’ve lost everything.

 and i’ve found a significant aspect of the world in that everything.

sometimes. it eliminates my compassion.

 other times. it reminds me of how much i believe in the world.

and occasionally. it blinds me completely.

nearly five years ago. i received a phone call that i took sitting in the snow.

it was a saturday.

it started and ended in disbelief.

in the middle. the world as it is was found.

but even now:

i still miss you.


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