as close to it as possible.

the other day, i heard the syllables: no one knows what’s going on. we’re all lost, and we’re just trying to figure out some way to exist.

and because i said them, i should be able to quote these words verbatim, but as i searched my mind this morning, i was mildly disappointed that this was not the case.

regardless. i said a phrase similar to the one above while talking to my (almost)16 year old sister.

and after the conversation, i realized how much my utterance resonated for me. i didn’t mean to have it stick in my brain. i was only trying to help ease the abundance of complication for this lovely person.

but there it stuck.

no one knows what’s going on.

okay.

yes.

including very much me.

perhaps i think more often on this reality. but after severely disagreeing with someone else’s actions. shaking my head at the immature thoughts. or something equally arrogant.

i sometimes have to remind myself that i have no idea how to distinguish up from down either.

i know many individuals. for example.

who struggle to see outside of their world.

they get so intertwined with how each of their own days is unraveling

how their own lives are reacting to their own actions

that they forget how every other person is existing.

they don’t imagine how does it feels when my heart beats.

they don’t wonder what color the trees are when another person opens their eyes.

they don’t care when someone else can smell the turning of seasons.

and while these are extremely important considerations in my mind, these individuals couldn’t care less.

while i occasionally hate this

i try to remember why i care so much about your heart beating

that other person’s sight of trees.

someone else’s sense of season smell.

i want to know these things about the world because it makes me understand my place in it more fully.

i want to connect with other people. so i understand what’s going on. so i feel less lost. so i can find my way to exist in the world.

while i might convince myself that this genuine interest in other people is centered on consideration, that reaction is only a biproduct of my true intentions.

i want to fit. i want to understand. i want to feel that sense of individual purpose that we’re all searching for.

i want to do it by knowing you.

and at what point is this approach to the world stripped of all its benevolence and exposed for its true selfishness?

i’m not sure.

we don’t know what’s going on. we’re all lost. and we’re all just trying to figure out a way to exist.

and thinking ourselves outside of this conundrum is perhaps the most foolish approach of all.

i’m not sure if i’ll be anywhere closer to seeing the world as it is by forcing myself to stand as close to it as possible.

i don’t know if narrowing your search to an inch outside of yourself will find you there either.

but if i were to vivez au point des larmes

i do know i can’t do it without you.

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