to this end.

i spent this snowy spring day doing what all of us should do from time to time.

i thought about my past mistakes.

recently. i had someone speak words to me of complete insecurity.

of anxiety. and heavy. heavy. self deprecation.

at first. as i sat there and listened. i was angry at the stupidity. the delusion. and the disappointment.

i didn’t understand how someone could exist so inaccurately.

have the inability to see reality as it stands.

as they lie about everything. in order to hide from their own self-doubt.

all the while looking at me with both such confusion and such certainty.

but as i watched the snow fall. all over my april afternoon.

i remembered that i also. have been that foolish.

i. once. let my insecurities govern my existence.

ruin my decisions.

and take away every potential possibility.

in the dead of night. unable to sleep. i let my uncertainties about the world overthrow my desires for it.

and somewhere.

in watching the piles of snow fall, i found camaraderie.

i realized the similarities in these circumstances.

and remembered the distinct reality my mistakes brought to my life.

to this end.

my anger began to reside.

the disappointment faded into understanding.

and the snow continued to grace my spring.

Advertisements

and all of these words spilled out one by one.

yesterday. my words couldn’t get enough indignation.

my animosity at the many injustices existence has somehow collected

fueled a rather impenetrable distate for the world.

and all of these words spilled out one by one.

mostly so my own ears could hear them.

i didn’t understand how we could go on spinning, while the majority of things favored implosion.

while people resorted to bad manners and inconsideration without a second thought.

while being self-centered is the only reasonable revolution that exists.

see. this is where my mind was.

and just as quickly.

my distate faded into life’s usual mediocrity.

i worked a bit.

and watched the dogs play.

i even ate a fish sandwich with my sister.

and i was mildy confused by the stark juxtaposition when i woke up.

the hostility faded. the commonplace resumed.

and i’m left unsure of how i feel.

am i angry at the world’s exploitation?

mildy.

sickened by so many people’s sense of complaisance, self-righteousness, and apathy?

completely.

but it doesn’t sit at the forefront on my mind as it did yesterday.

i don’t hate these habits as much as i did 18 hours ago.

and the point of interest. for me. is the fact that they weren’t relieved in my mind.

my thoughts of them didn’t change.

i don’t care less.

my feelings are simply less pointed.

and more accepting.

for no other reason than the day changed.

the moment faded.

and i began to think about something else.

there’s snow on the ground. and it’s april eleventh.

my birthday is tomorrow.

and i’m enjoying my coffee.

this is. for whatever reason. where my mind found itself for these hours.

the lack of consciousness behind this decision

suggests that such choice wasn’t fully mine.

which. is in itself. a completely separate topic.

for now. i’m writing.

i can’t really tell you why my writing hiatus happened.

or how i didn’t realize it was.

but. i’ve been thinking about it these last few days.

as i separated my cyber space selves.

and. i don’t know how i feel about my dismissing of an entire aspect of my life without even thinking about it.

really how anyone can slowly forget the small habits of their life without a second thought.

but it happens a lot more often than i think i’ve realized.

we get so caught up in the random things that fall in our laps that the more permanent parts get pushed to the side.

i. was caught up with law school searches. leaving a hostile job. playing with politics. and worrying about what my summer is going to look like.

when i write them out, they seem less time consuming than they have been.

but.

with law school:

i’m getting slowly used to this leaving-in-3 1/2-months thing.

but it still makes me slightly nauseous when i think about it.

the air is different over there.

the trees are even different.

and yet. i’ll probably forget all of the differences after a couple months of being there.

the hostile job:

i left it. or rather. it left me. it was more or less mutual.

(i needed it and they wanted it.)

while i loved.

french meadow.

so. badly.

 the customers. the people i worked with.

it was one of those places where a piece of me always felt terrible while i was there.

the atmosphere was poisonous.

and after you’ve been there for long enough, you’ll feel it slowly choking you.

but having such distinctly different feelings about a place (ya know…loving something that’s slowly eating you alive).

well. you have to be happy when it leaves your life.

but at the same time, it’s undoubtably sad.

politics:

i don’t think it’s a secret, but politics are my everything.

not so much the strategic get-me-elected

type of thing.

but more of what happens when you do.

how single individuals can completely alters the turn out of the future.

and how you can help that happen.

yum.

summer.

i don’t usually enjoy worrying about things.

and usually my worry transforms into plan upon plan of what-can-i-do-next.

that hasn’t settled in yet.

and i don’t know what i want to do next.

how i want to spend these next few months.

before law school. after that job. marinating in politics.

how do i want to carve out a few memories that i can take with me. put in a little box. and seal the past of my minneapolis life?

for now.

i’m writing.

throughout these few months.

and hopefully there after.

for the time being:

as i attempted to convince myself to go to sleep.

about a minute ago.

i remembered that i write.

and i can’t seem to understand how i forgot.

for the time being:

i’m going to borrow e.e as a place holder.

and i’ll be back soon.

am was. are leaves few this. is these a or
scratchily over which of earth dragged once
-ful leaf. & were who skies clutch an of poor
how colding hereless. air theres what immense
live without every dancing. singless on-
ly a child’s eyes float silently down
more than two those that and that noing our
gone snow gone
yours mine
. We’re
alive and shall be:cities may overflow(am
was)assassinating whole grassblades,five
ideas can swallow a man;three words im
-prison a woman for all her now:but we’ve
such freedom such intense digestion so
much greenness only dying makes us grow