it was a saturday.

in a couple of days, the five year anniversary of the most monumental event in my life will be upon us.

the most monumental event in a lot of people’s lives. actually.

and when i realized this and all the time that’s passed.

i didn’t actually feel one certain adjective.

but a compilation of those created by all the people that have come. gone. grown.

the circumstances that have changed

and the things that aren’t really different at all.

in the last five years. i have become a completely different person. and then reversed back to who i was.

i’ve experienced the best. and worst. moments of my life.

i loved in an unbearable way. in an obsessive way. in a sad way. in a disappointed way.

in the best way.

i’ve seen history unfold. repeat and regress.

i found a best friend. in my dog.

i’ve failed.

i’ve regretted.

i’ve lost everything.

 and i’ve found a significant aspect of the world in that everything.

sometimes. it eliminates my compassion.

 other times. it reminds me of how much i believe in the world.

and occasionally. it blinds me completely.

nearly five years ago. i received a phone call that i took sitting in the snow.

it was a saturday.

it started and ended in disbelief.

in the middle. the world as it is was found.

but even now:

i still miss you.

i don’t know what to do with those who actively exist in the world through insensitivity

lately, i’ve been thinking about how the world regards women.

how does it teach women to interact with women. to think about women. and how does it prepare men to interact with women. and think about women.

i dated someone once that actually said that he wished he had lived during the era of mad men. so that he could treat women in a similar fashion. and not be thought of poorly because of it.

this person also regarded sensitivity as weakness. and while simultaneously hiding every emotion he ever felt, ridiculed the feelings within which i partook.

we didn’t date for long.

and today, i ran across two words that not only echoed a personal conundrum i’ve been facing in the last couple of weeks. but also took my thoughts regarding women and expanded it to a larger scope:

“emotionally restrained”.

 when i stumbled upon these two words

my thoughts began to focus not just on how we see women but how we regard each other.

how does the world prepare us to connect and interact with those around us.

how does it teach us to respect. to understand. and most of all: to love.

as it occasionally is, my attention in these last few hours, has been held by this topic.

how is it. that in a world sustained by passion. feelings. connection. we so often are intimidated by these very things?

how is it. that it is considered safer. and more correct. to be emotionally restrained.

how is it. that when we are in a position that requires our full emotional attention, we find it easier to pretend we have no feelings.

and how did we find ourselves in a world that encourages these reactions?

a few moments ago. i was stuck in this question.

i interacted with someone in a situation that necessitated genuine emotions. and when i realized that their need for composure overtook their ability to be real, i didn’t know what to do.

i don’t know what to do with those who actively exist in the world through insensitivity.

i will never work that way. and i don’t know if i can surround myself by people who do.

and while i can’t find the solution to this dilemma.

i can in some small way understand how its existence came to be.

 our world does not encourage emotion. and as long as vulnerability is equated to weakness. we will strive to separate ourselves from it.

while i will never believe that someone who shares themselves with the world is weak and will instead trust heavily in intensity. and the freedom of emotions.

i sadly understand that we’ve created a space that deems those declarations inappropriate.

emotionally restrained is normal. celebrated. comfortable.

it is where people find safety from rejection and embarrassment.

and although i hate this reality more than i can bear-

the only thing i can actually do. at least for today. is hope that in some small part of everyone, we understand how illogical. unreasonable. and incorrect. this belief is.